Certifications:

Employment:

Towel Boy

Facilitated rapid drying for high-powered clients in fast-paced poolside environments.

Toy Designer

While employed at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory I was primarily focused on creating fascinating and fun toys for children of all ages. I came up with a little triangular thing that spins and is called a 'top' but it turns out some other asshole already came up with it so we couldn't patent it.

Assembly Line Worker

Was in charge of sampling the quality of the company's beer as it was being produced. It all tested really good and sometimes I kinda forgot what I was doing because I was having such a good time with the guys. But then I'd take a nap and when I woke up I felt much better and was able to start drinking again.

Shipping Associate

Apparently my boss is a bit of a stick in the mud so I had to go work in the shipping department. I still sneak a beer every once in a while, but as a general rule I just stick it in boxes and label them and then put it in a stack by the door. Very well. My wife said to tell you I do this very well. Good job, me.